tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
