I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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