Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
