I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
