Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
