I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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