she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
These tits shall not be calmed
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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