She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
