The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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