Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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