god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
