i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
