i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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