A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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