i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
