Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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