I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I love having hate sex.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize