he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
