Where are you?
In a non slutty way
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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