just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
