It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
