I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
