remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
