Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
