I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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