Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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