i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
