I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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