At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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