Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
