Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
