Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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