I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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