at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
