i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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