so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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