Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
