i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
