Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
