So drunk its hurt
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
not ubering you a puppy
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
