Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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