Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
