Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize