I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
