The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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