I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I checked into jail on foursquare
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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