i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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