My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
