It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
