if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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