I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
