This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
PANTIES FOUND
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