Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
