you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize