How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
