I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
